Life is good, God is great!

That is all. For now :)
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Emerging from the fog...pushed out of the nest...into the new "normal"

My primary treatments were completed at the end of March.  As is commonly the case, I continued to experience some of the common and annoying side effects from both chemo and radiation. Fatigue, foggy brain, short-term memory challenges, premature menopausal effects like aching bones, hot flashes, and so on.  However, you won't hear me complaining about these things because frankly I'm grateful for all of them because it means I'm alive!

Cancer treatments - including surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation therapy, and for some targeted therapies - are not fun. While they target the cancer they damage healthy cells and systems of the body and it's a crap shoot in terms of what effects and damage one will have on the other side of the treatment regimen.  Some of us are luckier than others when it comes to side effects, short- and long-term.  Though, I happen to believe that if you're a survivor you are blessed - period.  And I believe that we experience things the way we choose to experience them (or the way we're convinced we will experience them). Two people can have the exact same side effects and still have the exact opposite experience coping with them. Our ability to cope (or lack thereof) is ultimately what represents how we choose to be affected by things. Some dwell on their ailments and let them rule their life or use them as excuses for not owning their life and moving forward productively.  Others embrace the new knowledge and understanding and find ways to use that to help themselves and others. If you have been following me on this journey you know by now which category I fall into.

Early on in this journey I made a decision to live. I also made a decision to give it (treatment) my all and to see it as a blessing from God.  The chemo drugs that some view as poison, I saw as God's liquid gold cure juice running through my veins and disintegrating diseased cells.  The radiation treatments that some view as nuking their insides, I saw as God's light and love surrounding me like a layer of protective armor squeezing out any last rogue cancer cells that may have been hiding out.  I truly believe that my choice to view treatment in this way, and my renewed faith and relationship with God got me through the treatments without knocking me down physically and mentally.

Don't get me wrong - I had some seriously crummy days. Every chemo cycle was a bit harder than the previous.  Eight cycles (12 chemo doses) is no walk in the park. I was so exhausted that every moment I was alone with my son I had to have planned out to help me get through it without falling asleep and leaving him unsupervised. And when I couldn't stay awake any longer I would take him into a gated and child-proofed room of the house where he could play and be entertained while I sat on the floor or a couch and not be fearful if I were to fall asleep.

There were days I couldn't stand for more than 5 minutes without losing my breath and balance.  I put up with a watering eye, muscle twitches and spasms, and neuropathy in my hands causing me to drop and shatter a number of glasses because the chemo was damaging my nerves.  My digestive system was a mess, alternating between having the runs 24/7 to being constipated for weeks and weeks. The hot flashes were intense and frequent - feeling like I'd been lit on fire and then immediately thereafter felt like I'd been shoved in a bucket of ice. When I would finally fall asleep at night I'd either be woken by a hot flash or my toddler son who still does not sleep through the night (he turns two this month).

Sleep was such a challenge and problem for me that a number of times I actually got a hotel room and took sleeping aids to get a good night sleep when my husband was home and could get up with our son while I focused on getting some sleep down the road at the Hyatt.

My mind wasn't sharp. I forgot things. I lost track of things. I'd start a sentence and forget what I was talking about - frequently.  I'd be convinced I told my husband something but really had only thought about telling him (or so he tells me haha).  Frankly, the chemo brain fog is the side effect that frightened me the most because I was terrified that I'd slip up and cause harm to my son when I was alone with him. I was terrified I'd forget him in the car or that I'd screw up administering his medication because I wasn't thinking straight all the time and was exhausted.  I was terrified of letting my colleagues down or even losing my job when I was working part-time during the 2nd half of my chemo regimen because I was so forgetful and easily confused.

When I was in the home stretch, starting the final treatment chapter of radiation,  I developed lymphedema and had to begin another series of treatment for that. I came back out of work and onto disability status because it wasn't possible to give work and my health the time they both needed to do it right since I had daily radiation and 3x week physical therapy sessions. I felt defeated at first because I wanted so much to feel "normal" again but as I went on and prayed I realized that God was looking out for me when he let my arm swell up - He knew I wasn't being honest with myself about what I could handle and that it was just too much and I needed to refocus on treatment and less so on other things so at the end of February I stepped back out of work.

All along the way I was still OK through this craziness. I decided I would be and I was. I asked God for the strength to push forward and He gave it to me - in the form of internal motivation, support and encouragement from friends and family, and more. I know how much worse it could have been - I've witnessed it first-hand with a friend that lost his life to cancer in '98 and with dear friends in my life now who had different experiences with their treatment. I have been blessed profoundly.

I was/am alive and every side effect, every discomfort, was/is a reminder that God wasn't/isn't finished with me yet. That these temporary issues are just that - temporary. And that even if they were long-lasting, they are far better than the alternative which simply was not an option for me. I choose to live.

As much as we (survivors) want to hurry up and get back to "normal" following treatment, we realize that it's a more challenging feat than just resuming your former life.  It takes time for chemo meds to get out of the system. It takes time for the skin to recover from radiation.  It takes time for the arm and breasts to recover from surgeries. It takes time for the brain fog to clear (think pregnancy brain only far more intense and longer in duration) and resume proper firing of neurons and the like - you know, what's needed for normal and complete thought processing and healthy memory activity.  

I'm grateful that I've been blessed to have the support network, the insurance policies and the compassionate employer that have all allowed me the time to focus on not just beating the cancer but healing from the treatments and having preventive and reconstructive procedures so that when I return to my "normal" life, I will do so confidently knowing it truly is time to move forward, to turn the page to the next chapter.

My new "normal" has many things that are the same as before - my place of work, my family, my friends, my home - praise God!  But my new "normal" has many new things too - my lifestyle and priorities have incurred an extreme makeover. For example, God is #1. My health (and my family's) is #2. Everything/everyone else comes after these and just about every position on my list has changed in the past year. Those who know me well will recognize how major a change this is for me.

This week (tomorrow!) I am going back to work and I'm jumping right back in with both feet - full-time. In addition to my realigned priorities and getting back to work, I have new missions to accomplish. One being the new cancer ministry that I'm co-founding at my church this month! Another being a book I've begun to work on with two of my breast cancer sister survivors.  I must be careful about biting off more than I can chew but I also must move forward and avoid the temptation to rest and recover for too long.

I hope and pray that this next transition will be smooth and that I will receive God's favor and mercy to allow me to return to work with a stronger and healthier body and a sharper mind. I ask the Lord to help me do my very best to serve and support my team and to set healthy boundaries that enable me to honor my new priorities and help me stay healthy. I'm so grateful to be able to return to work at a time when so many others don't have jobs. I pray that God will use me to fulfill His will and purpose for my life in every venue that I enter. That He give me the patience needed to figure out what that purpose is and how to be the best I can be. I pray for forgiveness for when I falter, which I admit is often, and for guidance on how to stay on the right path. I hope and pray that I can use my story to acknowledge that cancer is a real bitch but that it can also be a real blessing in the form of positive changes in a survivor's life.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me another chance to to make every day count - to find your purpose for my life and fulfill it, however long it may take.  Thank you, Lord, for pushing me out of the nest and back into [my new] "normal" and ever so blessed life. I won't let you down.

Wow! Breast cancer vaccine being tested!

Tears of joy keep streaming down my face as I daydream about this news story. Praise God it's gotten as far as it has and the testing continues. Wow. God is amazing! He makes all things possible.

On this day, one year ago...

On this day, one year ago...

...I was told that I had breast cancer ...I didn't know if I'd be alive much longer ...I didn't know how I'd get through it ...I didn't think I could do it On this day, one year ago... ...I knew my life would change forever ...I didn't believe that cancer could be a blessing ...I didn't have much faith ...I was terrified of what was ahead of me On this day, one year ago... ...I didn't know how much support I would have ...I didn't know God well at all ...I didn't know I could help myself or anyone else ...I didn't know I'd be a survivor On this day, May 28, 2010, I am a one year survivor of stage 3c triple negative breast cancer. On this day, I'm filled with faith and hope. On this day, I'm living proof that God is AMAZING! On this day, I'm unbreakable.

Crazy hair and surgical tape halter tops are "in"

...lower girlie parts are "out". Surgery went really well yesterday. I went under at 7:30am and woke up around 11:30am with a new left boob, a revised right boob, and no more uterus, ovaries and cervix. Woot! Once in my room I had to launch into my role as my own patient advocate rather quickly when I learned I was not getting any iv pain medication (just vicodin which didn't work for me last time) and I was only being permitted to have ice chips for 24 hours! I called a meeting with the RN and the in charge nurse and explained what happened last June when my pain wasn't proactively controlled and they agreed to order that the nurse on duty is to come offer me pain meds (demerol by injection) every four hours rather than wait for me to ask for it (because by the time I would really need it, I'd be behind the pain and in trouble trying to get caught up like last summer). Ever since the meeting they've done a wonderful job tending to my pain med needs and I'm very grateful for that. So...if this post is rambling or in any way confusing, I blame the demerol. I went without food or beverage of any kind (only allowed ice chips and sips of water) from Monday night at 9:30pm til lunchtime today (Wednesday)! Not cool. Apparently they were starving me so that I wouldn't vomit even though I've assured them I had no nausea whatsoever. Thank God for my lovely friend, Jessica, who brought me some contraband - an organic blueberry smoothie, organic blueberries and some other goodies that I could slowly consume while waiting for the doctor to change my dietary orders so I could have a real meal. Thank you, Jessica!!!! My dietary needs had to be taken up with the doctor. When one of the residents came to talk to me about it he explained the main concern was that I'd get nauseated and vomit (my translation of that was that they didn't want to have to clean up the mess so it was easier for them to starve me). He advised that I shouldn't eat anything, including the beautiful organic blueberry smoothie that Jessica brought me. Since they were mainly concerned with me vomiting but not expecting any other gnarly side effects of consuming something I thanked him for his advice and proceeded to cautiously sip on the smoothie. Thankfully, I've never had any nausea or vomiting from anesthesia and this is my fourth surgery since June '09 (all performed here UCLA). The subject of the catheter came up and I explained that I was feeling pressure and the need to go to the bathroom. He told me to use the bed pan (by the way, sadly and hilariously funny is the fact that the bed pan is pink). I raised both hands and showed him how on one hand I'm tied to an iv tube and the other hand a pulse-ox cable and then lifted the blanket off my legs and showed him the compression garments and cables attached to both of my legs and asked him to instruct me on how exactly one should go about wiping their rear end while laying down and tied to all this stuff. He suddenly realized I was serious and not some little kid trying to get out of doing her homework. I seriously considered using the bed pan and I seriously resolved not to. I recommended he take the bed pan home with him and try it out so that he'll know how patients feel when faced with that as their only option for relief while tied to the hospital bed. He laughed, nervously, and admitted that really every doctor and nurse should be required to do that so they'll know how patients feel. I agree. Somehow I doubt that he'll follow through to find that out. Oh, and in addition to both arms and both legs being attached to tubing, I had a catheter attached to me too and that thing was really cramping my style this time. I tried to convince them to take it out last night but they wouldn't take it out til this morning. I really did not want to use the pink bed pan and was determined not to and thankfully I managed to avoid it. I was visited by several doctors today, including my favorite Dr.Crisera (plastic surgeon, aka Dr.McHotty, aka Dr.C) :) and we agreed I could/should spend one more night because they want to see to it that I can handle solid foods and once I get home Cooper will be all over me and wanting me to pick him up which I can not do for 2 weeks. Dr. Heaps (OB/GYN surgeon, aka Dr.H) came by shortly afterward to check on me and he too agreed I should stay the night and he told me that everything he removed appears to be benign PRAISE GOD! but that official pathology results weren't in just yet. I had barely any blood loss during surgery - he told Bob it equaled a tablespoon or less. I told Dr.H about how hungry I was and how I had no issues with the sips of the smoothie last night so he changed my orders so I could have a regular meal at dinner time. Once I heard that I started nibbling on the rest of the fruit Jessica left for me. Besides the two surgeons, I've been visited by two teams of residents assigned to my case. I forgot which team belonged to which division (plastics or gynecology) so one time that a team entered the room I asked them if they were here for the hooters or the hoo-ha. :) Now that I've finally had a meal (first full meal in 48 hours), I can say that it's been a good experience - nurses are on top of everything around the clock. I also just received the pain meds and my eyes are heavy and about to close (actually I think I dozed off halfway through composing this haha) so it's time to wrap up this update and get onto the very important business of sleep. :) Thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts! I am praising the Lord... for everything...including my crazy hair and surgical tape halter top! ;) Before surgery: After surgery: Love, Julie

Surgery around the corner. Farewell fertility.

I'm excited and a little sad too. Excited to get this over with - the hysterectomy - and feel good knowing I'm preventing cancer of the ovaries/uterus/cervix by having said body parts removed and getting on with life. Sad that I'm saying a very final goodbye to my fertility and the possibility of ever giving Cooper a blood related sibling. Even if I wasn't having the surgery I would do everything in my power to avoid becoming pregnant again because of the fear that pregnancy hormones would ignite a deadly firestorm in my body. But it's still a really big deal to be saying goodbye to having the option of creating beautiful life. Don't get me wrong about this - I want this surgery. But one thing I've learned over the years, and especially through this cancer journey, is that a person can want and need something and still have grief about it too. Feelings must be felt and processed for healthy resolution. So, tonight, I'm looking at Cooper and experiencing a flood of emotions as I prepare to say goodbye to my reproductive organs next Tuesday. I'm so thankful to God for the timing of my pregnancy with Cooper. Had we not gotten pregnant and had Cooper when we did we would not have ever had him because of the cancer. Cooper is such an amazing and precious gift from God. I'm thankful that my body withstood the challenge that the pregnancy posed and that we were blessed with a healthy beautiful son in spite of the difficulty we had (incompetent cervix resulting from procedures years earlier to remove precancerous cells). God got us through it and gave us this amazing child. I sometimes worry that we've done Cooper a disservice by not giving him a brother or sister but I know in my heart that we're protecting him with this decision by taking steps that we believe will help keep his mom here on earth for the many important years to come. Tuesday morning I'll head down to UCLA for the surgery. I'm having a complete hysterectomy and also having one of my breast implants replaced (it's too large in light of the lymphedema swelling I have which is not likely to go away). The hysterectomy will be performed using the Davinci robot which is pretty cool since that makes it minimally invasive and greatly reduces the recovery time. In fact, the plan is for me to be back to work next month! I'll be spending the night in the hospital since it's still considered a major surgery. My mom is flying in to help out again. I am so blessed to have such an amazing mom. We can't wait for her to arrive tonight. Cooper will have so much fun with her during her visit. Thank you, mom! I love you! I appreciate your prayers and positive thoughts as we proceed with this next important step in this journey. We're praying for a successful surgery with no complications and with a quick and smooth recovery ahead. We're praying that Cooper won't struggle or be hurt when I'm unable to lift him in the couple of weeks after surgery. We're praying for clear/negative pathology results following the surgery. And we're praising God for the miracles He has performed for us already - every single day.

Today I walk...

...in memory of the millions of women who lost their lives to breast, ovarian, endometrial, uterine, and cervical cancer.

...in honor of all those who are living with these diseases and fighting for their lives.

...in hope that our efforts will lead to treatment advances and a cure.

...in faith that God has a plan for each of us and that we can and do fulfill His purpose and make a difference in spite or because of the life challenges we face.

...in my first fundraiser since becoming a cancer survivor...nearly one year since being diagnosed with stage 3c triple negative breast cancer.

...with some of the most courageous and amazing warrior sisters - particularly my dear friends Tira and Jessica. I love you, ladies!

...in gratitude for the incredible, generous, and compassionate support I've received for this event and throughout this journey.

Thank you! God bless you!
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