Chemo cycle 8, Part A, days 3-4: Toughest of all

I remember, not long ago, posting an update during either cycle 4 or 5 and saying that I'd experienced my most difficult part of chemo yet at that point. I remember feeling a bit defeated - disappointed that I'd been experiencing that rough patch after having such a sense of accomplishment from sailing through it so well up to that point. Each time I have gone in for a chemo infusion, my doctor has looked at me and my numbers, raised his eyebrows and smirked at me and said things like "you are doing extremely well", or "you are handling all of this extraordinarily well" and I feel a surge of pride and accomplishment when I hear that. And I remember the horrible sense of failure I felt both times that I went in for cycle 5, part B, and was told I would not be getting part B because first my WBC count was too low, and then my platelet count was too low. The doctor and nurses had to convince me that it is a common occurrence and that it was surprising it took 5 cycles for it to happen to me. I remember thinking "but I'm an exceptional patient so why isn't my body cooperating?" (for those who are thinking that is awfully conceited of me to think/say, I want you to know it's a reference to a specific patient type described by Bernie Siegel in Love, Medicine and Miracles). I guess it's true that I'm an over achiever haha. Many times I hear from friends, family, colleagues, strangers even, that they don't know how I'm managing this while caring for a toddler and have a spouse that is away more than he's home due to his job, and working (albeit part time temporarily) - all while on a very aggressive chemo regimen. When I hear that I immediately think to myself "what choice do I have?". I suppose I really do have a choice - I could do what I've been doing which is look on the bright side, make every day/hour/minute count and do my very best to not let the situation negatively impact my life and that of my family's, or I could let the negative thoughts and feelings take over my mind and my body, allowing it an opportunity to manifest itself in many more side effects, keeping me feeling awful all the time, taking out my fear and frustration on those around me, etc. To me, that's not much of a choice - that last option just isn't an option for me since that is not who I am. When this cycle (8A) nearly brought me to my knees with the nausea, exhaustion, shortness of breath, burning belly and related digestive issues, and all over body aches and pain, I did my best to ignore it but it wasn't wanting to be ignored, unfortunately. I kept my commitments and I kept the anti-nausea meds close by at all times. I took extra naps whenever the opportunity arose, and I forced myself to eat even when I felt like I could skip food for a week. I was so glad I'd done the majority of my holiday baking and gift gathering and packaging before receiving this cycle because I doubt I would have gotten it done otherwise. The worst days were this past Thursday and Friday (days 3-4). Everything I did felt challenging, particularly because of the shortness of breath from the anemia - I was completely exhausted all the time. I didn't go out unless it was necessary or I had an appointment or support group scheduled. When home, I stayed off my feet, forced myself to eat and rest, and sought out distractions for times when I couldn't sleep to keep my mind off of how I was feeling. I had trouble drinking water and found myself giving in and drinking more ginger ale and fruit juice dilluted with water. I still felt crummy on Saturday but I was very happily distracted spending the day and evening with my "little sister" and her older sister who I took out for a day (had a sitter take Cooper for the day) and had the girls spend the night for a girls' night of homemade organic pizza, movies, and baking cookies :). Then Bob came home on Sunday and everything seemed/felt better by that point. I feel fairly confident describing those days as being the worst of my entire chemo regimen since this is my final cycle and Part B has always been easier to take than Part A - now let's hope and pray that continues to be true as I finish out this cycle tomorrow with my FINAL CHEMO INFUSION! =). However, Dr.B did warn me that the anemia could complicate things tomorrow if my red blood cell count dips down to an 8 (I was at 9 last week - he said my "normal" was trending 12-13 based on my numbers at the start of chemo) at which point a blood transfusion would be likely. I've been eating some spinach the past couple of days in hopes that it would help out here but we won't know until tomorrow when I arrive and they draw blood. I praise God for carrying me through this challenge and opportunity. Yes, I did say "opportunity", as crazy as that may sound. Love, Julie

Chemo cycle 8, part A - days 1-2

It's hard to believe that I'm nearly done with chemo. I've already received cycle 8, part A, and have just one more infusion (part B) next Tuesday and then the day after I'll get my final shot (either Neulasta or Neupogen) to boost WBC production and then I'll be done with chemo! Just before receiving #8A, Dr.B informed me that I'm even more anemic than last time and that if I go any lower when I go in for #8B next week then I will probably have to go to the hospital for a blood transfusion - he didn't want me to be surprised by it so he was letting me know now. ;/. They're working on getting insurance approval to give me another shot like I had once before for this but he said it's benefit is limited and it could take too long to take effect. So....if this happens my completion of this final chemo cycle could be delayed a bit. But I have faith that my body will do it's job...that my prayers and the prayers of so many of you for me will help me avoid a transfusion and delay. I also have faith that if I do end up needing a transfusion and getting delayed it will be what needs to happen as part of God's plan for me. So I'm not worried. When I went in for my shot this morning I joked with the nurses that I might just have to keep going in to talk to them even when I have no other reason to be there after chemo is finished. They said they won't mind at all seeing as I come bearing gifts every time I show my face there. The other day one of the nurses told me that some of the patients even come in asking "is Julie going to be here today?" :) That put a huge smile on my face. One of these patients was there yesterday during my chemo infusion and he and his wife conversed with me the entire time he was there. It was his final chemo yesterday and when they left (about halfway through my infusion), they handed me a paper with their name, email address and phone number and asked if I'd share mine with them so they could keep in touch. I was happy to do that. I have met some incredibly brave and wonderful people through this journey - many of whom I will always consider as part of my extended family now. Anyway, it's not like I won't be there plenty of times once chemo is over. I'll have plenty of blood draws, scans and exams, to be followed closely for the next few years, especially since the cancer was triple negative, making the first three years critical. And while the chemo chapter comes to a close, there is still lots of treatment left for me - most notably the radiation chapter which will have me in another doctor's office DAILY, M-F, for 2-3 months, beginning in February. Between Dec.16th and Jan. 14th the only appointments I'll have will likely be blood draws to evaluate my fitness for my next reconstructive surgery on 1/14, and consultations with both of my medical oncologists, the radiation oncologist, and the holistic M.D., to discuss my post-chemo path. It may sound like quite a lot in a month but really that's nothing compared with getting chemo 2 weeks of every month and daily visits for shots for the week following chemo infusions. I'm told by many of my friends who've gone before me that radiation isn't quite as difficult as chemo so that is nice to hear, although chemo wasn't too bad for me - praise God! So far, this cycle feels similar to the very first one. Today I woke with a burning sensation in my belly. Thankfully though, it didn't lead to the very unpleasant digestive symptoms that followed that feeling in the first cycle - at least not so far haha. I had a twinge of nausea that quickly went away once I took today's dose of Emend and Zofran in the morning and didn't need to take anything later in the day so that's good. My salivary glands are still not happy so I need to force myself to drink more water. I haven't mentioned this yet but for the past three weeks or so I've had some strange feeling in my pelvis area - not quite like period cramps, more like a twisting sensation that comes and goes. I mentioned it to Dr.B (my local medical oncologist) and told him I had an ob/gyn check up later this week and he suggested I get an ultrasound to have Dr.N (my ob/gyn) take a look at my ovaries and that region to be sure there isn't anything going on there - so I'm having an ultrasound on Friday to take a look. Dr.B said that chemo causes aches and pains all over and this could be just another location of that, but it never hurts to take a look and be sure. I love Dr.B. Many doctors would just assume it's one of those aches/pains but he knows this is not the time to assume anything - if there's something going on down there we need to know now. I trust that all is OK but I continue to pray and ask for prayers that is true. Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. I'm grateful beyond what any words can express.