Thursday, September 9, 2010

The waiting! ;/

I'm sitting here at my desk trying desperately to concentrate on work. Muddling my way through my to-do list while a fog of anxiety floats around my head.  Tuesday morning I had a PET/CT scan. I'm grateful that these tests exist because they can bring peace of mind when the results are good news. But the waiting to hear the news is nothing short of torture.  Even when there is no reason to suspect anything but good results, it's torture.  

I'm anxious to hear good news so I can breathe a sigh of relief. But I worry about wasting precious thought time/space in the event that it's not good news. Will it be clear? Will it be not clear? Will I be dancing with NED again? (NED = no evidence of disease) Or won't I be?  

I try so hard to give my worries over to the Lord since only He knows where my life path is heading. He is in control now, not me.  It's hard though. So very hard. I've spent over 37 years thinking I was the one in control and old habits are hard to break. 

I go from thinking about all the awesome things I have planned for my future to thinking about whether any of it will even be possible. I wonder why my friend and sister warrior got her awesome news of her clean scan results this morning already even though her scan happened after mine at the same facility. So I called my doc's office and asked if the report was in yet. No. Insert heavy sigh.  Then I think why am I in such a hurry to know when I'm alone today. Sure, I'm interacting with people online and by phone for work, but Bob is away and Cooper is at daycare and I'm here with my computer and phone, remembering the last time I was alone to receive test results and it was not good.  Dear Lord, please let it be good news. And please help me accept it if it's not good news. Amen.

Philippians 4:6 (NIV) Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

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