Monday, August 31, 2009
It's so unlike me to go nearly a week without blogging - I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I've had a running blog post in my mind all week long but every time I have a moment to sit down without having to worry about what Cooper is getting into I realize just how exhausted I am and I ditch all else in favor of sleep. Of course, now that I have time to blog while the sitter is with Cooper, I can't remember what it was I wanted to blog about - except, of course, how tired I am. It amazes me how I can feel so strong one day or one week and then BAM feel like I've just walked off a battle field. It's not like I'm winded or out of breath - just tired all the time (and feeling pretty emotional as a result). I can do things, and am keeping up, but it's challenging. I am doing what I can to get sleep whenever possible but the challenge is that I never seem to get more than 2-3 hours at a time before being woken either by Cooper, the dog, a hot flash, drooling on myself (lovely visual, eh?), etc. Falling asleep and staying asleep is difficult because of the residual steroid medication from the first week of each chemo treatment and the hormonal changes from chemo-induced menopause. Once awoken, it takes forever to fall back asleep. Seems that every time I finally reach a deep sleep I'm woken by something. It's incredibly frustrating and probably incredibly detrimental to my health, although I'm used to it from Cooper waking up every 90 minutes the first year of his life due to his health issues and medications. Even when Bob is home and can be in charge of night time duty, if Cooper wakes up and cries I wake up...even if I sleep downstairs on the couch - it's mommy radar. So how do I deal with this? Two things: first, as SOON as Cooper goes to bed I have less than an hour to do any non-sleeping things needed and then I MUST take a pill and go to sleep because it's the first 4+ hours of his night that he is least likely to wake me up. Secondly, every time Bob comes home from a trip (or at least every other time), I need to spend a night at a hotel where there is no risk of mommy radar going off. I did that once last month and it was the best night of sleep I had in over a year and I felt human the next day. But, it's no longer about feeling human, it's about my survival - I need adequate sleep to keep my immunity up and maintain my warrior status to beat this blasted disease. The sitter is here today and I have no appointments, thankfully. I'm going to spend the day in bed and sleep as much as I can. I'm checking email, blogging a little, checking FaceBook, and watching a little TV, but that's it. Shortly I will take a pill and go back to sleep and hope to get a really long nap. Bob will be home tomorrow night, thankfully. I miss him and need him here. So all weekend long I've kept thinking "I wish it was Tuesday." Today I'm thinking "thank God tomorrow is Tuesday."