Hope third time's the charm.

Monday will be Cooper's first full day back to the daycare setting since my diagnosis last year. I'm excited and yet a teeny bit terrified - not because of the typical separation anxiety often experienced by a mother and child when bringing a child to daycare of school, but rather because of what happened the last time we were ready for him to go back just a year ago - just a few days before the shit really hit the fan (and the time before that). I remember it so clearly, the excitement we felt about him finally returning to daycare as he approached his first birthday. We planned for it and were excited that we'd be spending a lot less money on child care with him at daycare. We were thrilled that Cooper would be returning to the same teacher that we felt so good about from the beginning when he first attended - when we first brought him there at just a few months old. The very first time we tried to enter him in the program we had to take him out and hire a nanny because his little preemie body couldn't handle the usual daycare illnesses. Every sniffle passed along to him turned into a full blown respiratory infection and every time he got sick he couldn't be at daycare (though it seems every other parent had no problem sending their sick and snot-spewing kids in against the rules) and we had to hire someone to help at home so that we could work but inevitably we'd catch it and Bob would be grounded from flying and one or both of us would end up not able to work from being sick. In just a few weeks of Cooper attending he was sick the majority of the time and his doctors felt it was best to keep him home. Cooper was high risk with a history of pneumonia and his pulmonologist was sure he'd contract RSV if he were in a daycare setting (and perhaps even if he wasn't). So we hired a nanny (and promptly went broke) and decided we'd try daycare again in the summer ('09) when he turned a year old and was stronger. Cooper was back to daycare just a couple of days before I went in for my first mammogram last May (27th to be exact). We were transitioning him back slowly over a week or two - at daycare half the week and at home with the nanny the other half. I remember dropping him off and telling his teacher that the following day he'd be home with Esperanza (our nanny). Cooper and Esperanza came with me to the mammogram appointment (Bob was flying). They didn't come inside with me; instead she took him for a walk in his stroller around the hospital campus. I remember returning to them outside the medical building and being in complete shock that I had just had a biopsy performed because a suspicious mass was seen in the images. The next couple of weeks are sort of a blur except for a few specific moments here and there. I remember having a feeling that I'd be having extensive treatment and I'd have to rehire Esperanza full time and walking into the daycare center and informing his teacher that I had cancer and that Cooper wouldn't be staying (yet again) - this time because I couldn't be exposed to the usual daycare germs once my treatment started. So, here we are, one year later. I've finished treatment. My counts are in the normal range again (low end, but still normal range) and it's time to try again. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I want this to be it. For this third time to be the charm, as they say. I don't want another setback. I won't allow it. I'm strong. Cooper is strong. We're broke from the cost of nannies and medical bills and being on disability and switching to an organic lifestyle. I need this return to day care to be successful and not tied to another health crisis for anyone in my house. We've let the nannies go. I've even given a glowing reference for Esperanza to work for another family here in town. She won't be available to come back. Last time she didn't have other opportunities awaiting her. So I'm counting on the reference request and phone call being a good sign for us - that it is going to be OK. I need it to be a good sign. Friday I brought Cooper to the center for a visit to his new classroom. He'll be in that room for just a month or so before he will need to transition to the 2-yr old room. He had a ball during his one-hour visit. He didn't hesitate one bit and played well with the other kids. He barely noticed I was there, at least until I was telling him it was time to go home and then he was not happy with me. So, I know that he is cool with this. Even I am. I'm excited for him to have more social interaction, for him to be worn out at the end of every day, and for all the learning and arts he'll be exposed to there as well. After dinner I prepared Cooper's lunch and snacks for tomorrow. We are as ready as we'll ever be. Now we just pray and give it to God. And we hope it is His will that this really is the right path and that we continue to be healthy and strong as we approach and pass the one year anniversary of my diagnosis. Father God, Thank you for blessing my family. Every single day is a gift that we cherish together. We are grateful for and humbled by your mercy and love. Thank you for curing my body of disease. For giving me another chance to find you and be used by you to serve your purpose for my life. Thank you for blessing us with the most amazing family and friends who have helped us get through these past couple of very challenging years. Thank you for blessing me with a compassionate employer and with the resources needed to afford treatment and the costly lifestyle changes that give me a shot at beating the odds. Thank you for the brilliant and compassionate physicians, nurses, lab technicians and researchers whose hands you guide to help me and millions like me with effective treatment and care. Thank you for making Esperanza and Sarah available to help care for Cooper in our time of great need and for the open spot at the center so that Cooper can now return once again to the daycare center. Thank you for guiding me to such a wonderful place to worship you - NorthPark Community Church. Thank you for using me, Lord, to help others, and continuing to show me the way. Thank you, father, for filling my body and soul with your light and your love, boosting my immune system, and flushing the impurities and harmful cells away. Without you, Lord, I am nothing. Amen. “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” - Romans 12:12 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. " - Matthew 7:7-8 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

The unveiling of the sisters (aka tatas)

First, let me extend my thanks again to all of you for your well wishes and prayers for a smooth and successful surgery and recovery. I KNOW your prayers go straight to God's ears and heart and I feel the shower of His blessings every single day. Every day! I'm so incredibly grateful to Him, and to you for your thoughtfulness and generosity. I have been doing GREAT! The recovery has been a breeze compared with the big surgery during the summer and what a relief that has been! I only had to take the pain medication for 3-4 days and I'm sure I didn't need them that long but I was nervous about stopping and finding myself "behind the pain" (after what happened at the hospital when one nurse delayed my meds on day 2 or 3) so I took them just in case and just took less and less each day. The only time I've felt any soreness at all is when I have broken the rules - reached for something over my head or forgot and picked Cooper up. Even when that has happened the effect has been minor and short-lived, thankfully. I have barely any swelling (a huge difference compared to last time). My only 'complaint' is the digestive trouble that comes with using pain medication - the cramping and...oh nevermind :). It's short-lived and totally bearable so I'm really not even complaining about that. Just mentioning it since it's there - but just about done with already anyway. It has been a huge help having my mom here - thank you, Mom!!! Cooper loves her so much (and so do I!) and he loves to sit at the dining room table next to her while she works on her computer. He sits and draws and plays with all her stuff - totally cute. Oh...right...the unveiling. Haha (silly chemo brain!) So, on Sunday I was allowed to take the bandages off and have a gander at the sisters, the tatas, the boobies. I was actually afraid to look because I've heard from some that it can be disappointing even when the results are good. It's hard to explain but it's sort of like when you go through anything difficult and there's one little morsel of a bonus (for lack of a better word) that you look to for fun or humor and you've talked it up and then suddenly you're faced with the reality that you may have talked it up too much and then you're suddenly disappointed not just in your own excitement about it but the actual thing itself. In the case of reconstructive surgery following breast cancer, I know from other survivors that it can go either way - it can be a moment of sheer bliss and relief or a moment of great sadness and loss. I guess how a person feels at the moment of the unveiling depends upon what their expectations were. I wasn't "attached" to my natural breasts so I didn't hesitate to instruct the surgeon to take them both from me - they failed me in life before when they were so heavy and big I could barely find attractive bras and when I had them reduced and later discovered that the surgery prevented me from breastfeeding my son and then of course when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Me and the boobs were not my "friends" so I was totally fine letting go of them. Getting a new set of breasts that would not require wearing a bra and would be the exact size of my choosing was a nice little "bonus" to this process and although I would have been fine to not have any at all (seriously), I guess I have been psyching myself up to look at the positive side of having a set of perky fake boobs (better clothing options, perky set for life, etc.)....so I guess I was expecting bliss and that was probably a mistake. That's probably why it's taken me so long to write about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad or angry about it, I'm just not as excited as I hoped I would be. Why? Well...only so much can be done in a single surgery. Not every 'issue' can be fixed and sometimes it needs to be incremental and that's the case with reconstructive surgery that involves the 'growing' and 'stretching' of skin. You see, it's not like a run of the mill boob job where you have your own original skin and nipples to tuck a squishy implant behind and voila you have perfectly symmetrical, perky and glamorous boobs. Yeah, not so much. I had ALL of my breast tissue removed in June - they had to actually cut into chest muscle and create pockets for the expanders and later implants to be set into and this causes a different look than the run of the mill boob job. I also lost a huge amount of skin from my original breasts and the expanders served to stretch/grow the remaining skin to make room for implants. Anyway, the result is that I have one side that's slightly bigger and positioned slightly differently than the other because of post-surgical settling and fluid retention (lymph drainage issue). Thankfully, these 'issues' are only noticeable when I'm nude and thankfully we're not living in a nudist colony. :)Dr.C did an excellent job but he had a lot to get done and it's hard to know how it will turn out until the swelling disappears and things settle and then he'll go back in and get more done when it's time to get some nipples (doesn't that sound so strange!? - get some nipples LOL). He warned me that there would be things that would need to be touched up along the way so I have no complaints about the way expectations were set with me - my issues are purely mine with regard the emotional buildup involved. By the way, Dr. C is such a wonderful person too - talent AND compassion is hard to come by both in a surgeon but this guy has it. I'm so glad I chose him. On the VERY plus and happy side - and this is BIG - the new implants are so much more comfortable than those expanders. So to all the ladies out there with expanders -- you will not feel icky forever. Those expanders were hard, expansive across the chest landscape, and made sleeping a challenge (for me it did). The new silicone implants I'm sporting are soft and lighter and I no longer feel like I have a chunk of steel stapled to my chest. As soon as I noticed THAT difference, I no longer cared about the temporary cosmetic issues that still linger. Another positive is that the overall shape is better and more normal looking which is a big relief because before I had to wear layers - usually a soft bra, tank top and shirt - to try to disguise the strange shape I had with the expanders. The only way I could think to describe it was that it looked/felt like I had little tree trunk stumps because of the bumpy appearance in part from the skin stretching process and results. This surgery included pulling and tucking to smooth and round out the appearance and I'm so glad about that because now I can wear a shirt without worrying about hiding my stumpy bumps. So, another milestone is behind me and that's really awesome. The next chapter, radiation treatment, begins next week. On Tuesday I go in for my radiation simulation and CT scan. The week after I begin daily radiation treatment, 5 days per week, for 7 weeks. I'm plugging along. I'm cherishing every day. I'm working on my relationship with God and with myself. I started my first ever Bible study group last night and I'm so happy to have made that important step to learning more about God's will for my life. I look forward to sharing more about that at a later time. With love and gratitude, Julie

Olsen family Christmas and New Years Update

We had a wonderful family Christmas celebration once the three of us were finally all together. Cooper had a blast with his fun new toys. His favorite of all so far is the new play guitar which he won't put down. I posted pics on Cooper's blog if you'd like to see. For New Year's eve we had a wonderful dinner out with several of our neighborhood friends at the local Buca di Beppos (yum!). After dinner we came home and put Cooper to bed and then I headed down the block to have a glass of organic wine with a few of my neighbor friends and then came home to cuddle on the couch and watch the ball drop with Bob. Last night was enjoyed attending some friends' annual New Year open house which is always so much fun. Cooper was amazed by their fabulous intricate train village under their Christmas tree. He also played with the other kids non stop for over two hours. He completely conked out in the car on the way home and when we took him up to bed he didn't even wake up while I changed his diaper and put his PJs on. ;) Thank you, Tony and Kathleen, for including us again this year - it was great fun and we love you both. 2009 was filled with a great many blessings and challenges. I've learned and grown so much in such a short time frame, thanks to God's will and guidance. I am excited about 2010. I just know it will bring more beautiful blessings into our life and allow us to continue to learn from apply our learnings in ways to help ourselves and others who face similar challenges that we were fortunate to overcome in 2009. May we all find 2010 filled with great health, peace, happiness, and prosperity! Love, Julie

Did I say tonight? I meant tomorrow night.

Earlier today I blogged that we planned to have our Christmas celebration tonight. We charged the video camera and while Cooper had his afternoon nap I started to put together a great riding toy that cousins Missy and Nicole and aunt Susie had sent for Cooper (thank you so much!). I opened the box, grabbed the manual and right away I realized it needed to be charged for 18 hours before it can be used so I assembled it, plugged the battery in, assembled another toy and then made dinner. At first we were thinking we'd still go ahead and have Cooper open his gifts tonight. Once he was up from his nap we had dinner. About an hour later he got sick - all over himself and me. I'm not sure if it was something he ate (probably - there was at least one new thing he'd never had before - plus he'd been acting fine/normally leading up to getting sick) or if it's a virus that caused it. Either way, we want him to feel good when we have our family Christmas celebration so we decided to wait until tomorrow. Hopefully he'll be feeling better and at least we know his exciting new toy will be charged and ready for him by then too. I'm so excited to see his reaction to the fun things that await his discovery.

A nice break at just the right time - the holidays

Now that chemo is done, I'm enjoying not having to make my way to the doc's office every morning for a shot in the rump (Neupogen). Don't get me wrong, I love the nurses and staff at my doc's office, but it's great to not have to plan every day around a doctor's appointment and even better not feeling like a pin cushion. So far, the side effects of my final cycle are similar to the previous one - mainly swollen and backed up salivary glands, overall body aches, and due to the anemia I'm extremely tired all of the time and frequently out of breath. I'm taking a decongestant to aid in thinning out my saliva to clear up the glands, and just taking it easy to prevent anemia related accidents or issues. I can't carry Cooper for more than a minute before I need to set him down and catch my breath. When we need to go up or down the stairs, I let Cooper go up and down with me right behind or in front of him which he seems to enjoy and prefer anyway. Thankfully, I have not had any dizziness - just shortness of breath and occasionally a teensy tiny bit of light headedness. If I still feel this way by New Year's I'll reconsider the blood transfusion, but I'm hoping that won't be necessary. This is the most tired and physically limited I've felt since the bilateral mastectomy surgery. Even though I'm definitely experiencing the "chemo brain" phenomenon, I do feel clearer and calmer than I have in a really long time - though I admit this is something that comes and goes - sometimes day to day. My sister warriors and I in support group often refer to this as the perpetual roller coaster. I've decided to get off the roller coaster for the holidays and focus on my family and friends, as much as possible, while also working on regaining my strength so that my body will be ready for the next big step in this process - implant swap-out surgery in January. Oddly enough, this type of "work" involves mostly sitting/laying around. Since I'm so frequently out of breath, I'm not able to do a whole lot other than slow stretching and strength exercises. I'm looking forward to resuming my walks but it could be a while before I'm able to and that's OK - just another goal for me to work toward. Keeping up with Cooper (who turns 18 months old on Monday!) is getting harder and harder these days when Bob is away so I've been lining up help on the weekends now in addition to the normal week day help so that I won't get run down and overwhelmed and Cooper will still get the stimulating play time he needs as well. I'm looking forward to this weekend very much. We'll be attending a neighborhood holiday party on Saturday. On Sunday I'll go to church and finish up on some holiday baking and preparations thanks to the much needed and appreciated help from Esperanza and Susan who will be helping me with Cooper this weekend. I'm not sure how much I'll accomplish and I don't plan to push myself - I'll just try to enjoy doing what I can and whenever I get too tired I'll rest and watch Cooper play because that always makes me feel better. When I was a kid I really loved the holidays. I have lots and lots of cousins and we used to all gather at one house on Christmas eve to eat, play and open gifts. As the years went on our families started going in different directions for the holidays for a variety of reasons that are not uncommon to most families - loss of key family members, people getting married and sharing the holidays with in-laws, etc. When that happened it just wasn't as much fun anymore and gradually I became one of those adults that sort of dreaded the holidays. I enjoyed seeing my cousins' children having a good time, and I enjoyed sending holiday cards out but that was about all the joy I managed to find during the holiday season and usually just looked forward to the holidays being done with for the year. I didn't think I was sad at the time but looking back I am pretty sure I was depressed every holiday season. A lot has changed since then. A lot. Cooper's arrival into our lives changed everything for me last year and now that I've had cancer we have even more reason to find joy in every holiday - in every day. That's why every day IS a holiday for me now, regardless of what is on the agenda, as I wake up grateful for another day and chance to live and appreciate all of life's blessings and challenges. Every holiday is a new milestone for me and my family now. Now, I cherish every day and every holiday like never before. I wish all of you joy, love, and laughter this holiday season and all throughout the year. Make every moment count!

Sleep - my catch 22

Some background info While pregnant with my son, Cooper (16 months old), I developed a condition called "incompetent cervix" and was placed on bed rest at 16 weeks for the remainder of the pregnancy and given weekly injections of "17P", a form of progesterone to prevent preterm labor which I was high risk for. It worked, and I was able to carry Cooper to 35 weeks. He did great, spent no time in the NICU, came home with us, but we soon discovered that he had severe reflux (common for preemies) so he couldn't drink very much at a time and had to drink small amounts frequently. He also had to be elevated for 30 minutes after drinking/eating to prevent him from choking if/when he refluxed following a feeding. For the first several months he drank every 2 hours. At night, the reflux seemed to be worse and he would wake up every 45-90 minutes all night long, every night. He also was sick a lot with reflux related respiratory issues - hospitalized twice for pneumonia at 3 and 4 months old - and every cold became a respiratory infection. He was frequently on antibiotics, steroids, and steroidal inhalers in addition to the Prevacid which I'm sure just prolonged and contributed to the sleep issues. We couldn't sleep train him until after the reflux was gone because stress and crying aggravated the reflux - he didn't outgrow it until 10+ months. Bottom line, in the first year of his life, Cooper only slept through the night (meaning for more than 5-6 consecutive hours), just 3 times and since it was such a rarity that I was convinced/worried there was something wrong with him so I didn't even sleep more than the usual couple hours at a time on those nights. I was sleeping for periods of 45-120 minutes at a time, all night, nearly every night, for over a year. As soon as I'd approach deep sleep, I was woken up. Fast forward to June '09 (and through October) When I met with my two oncologists (separately) I told them about the extreme sleep deprivation I'd been enduring, and the hormone injections received during my pregnancy. They agreed that the sleep deprivation certainly would impact a person's immune system, and that it's possible for hormone injections to increase a person's risk and/or feed an existing cancer, but they each said that it's unlikely that the cancer I had would have just appeared within the past year - that typically it takes much longer for it to develop, grow and advance to the point where it was discovered. It would be nice to know what caused the cancer, or made me especially susceptible to it, but we may never know. However, I knew that in order for me to be strong, fight, get through treatment, and give myself a good shot at avoiding a recurrence, I'd need to get a lot more sleep than I had been getting. So we began sleep training with Cooper. We had great success thanks to help from Bob and my mom, and were on a great roll - not sleeping through the night but at least getting 3-4 hour stretches of sleep which was a great improvement. But every teething episode, cold, etc. put us back to square one so it's been very challenging to get the sleep I've needed - especially with Bob being away so much. Eventually we decided I'd take an occasional night away at a hotel when Bob was home so I could sleep through the night once in a while even if Cooper didn't - I've done that three times so far. In mid-October I resumed working part-time. Getting better/more sleep became even more critical but Cooper's molars were coming in and taking FOREVER to emerge, causing him a great deal of pain. During the day he walked around smacking his cheeks while yelling "owwww", and at night he woke crying every 1-2 hours. FINALLY, last week, the 4th molar emerged and Cooper began sleeping through the night - and has for 4 consecutive nights now :) (I pray that I'm not jinxing it by announcing this haha). FINALLY, I have been able to sleep for 4-6 consecutive hours at night before being woken by a hot flash, or by Cooper. Catch 22 For most of the year, I had not been dreaming - or if I was, I was not remembering any dreams. I can count on one hand the number of times I woke up remembering a dream within the past 16 months. With more sleep comes the return of dreams. Normally that'd be OK, you'd think - right? WRONG. Out of the five dreams I remember having, 3 of them have been cancer related. Not cool. And, all 3 of the dreams I remember having since just before my diagnosis have been about cancer. These are scary dreams and I don't like it. I know and believe that dreams are symbolic, making me even more unhappy about these dreams. I understand that we work through feelings and anxiety in our dreams, but I don't like the direction of these dreams as they are not relieving my anxiety and are instead adding to it. I can't even tell you how many times I was feeling my armpits throughout the day today because of a really upsetting dream I had last night. This really pisses me off. I just want to say that I think it's freakin' BS that now that I can finally sleep for a good span of the night, I'm having these scary dreams. I think we can all agree that I've been really positive and doing the right things - juggling aggressive treatment, leveraging both medical and holistic healing techniques, taking care of Cooper, working, and managing the household. I very rarely complain...right? So when the f*** will I catch a break from the BS? Don't I deserve restful sleep? I mean, really!? Seriously!? I want happy dreams, damnit! ****we now return to our regularly scheduled ass kicking program**** Hey cancer, you're not allowed in my body, nor my dreams! Beat it!

Turned lemons into lemonade

After a horrible morning (see previous post) at Northridge Hospital, Mom and I stopped for breakfast on the way home from the hospital and decided we'd go home, take a nap, and then when the sitter leaves mid-afternoon we would take Cooper to the pool and just unwind. We spent a couple of really relaxing hours at the pool, watching Cooper putter around in his floatie in the baby pool which is so shallow that Cooper can touch the bottom with his feet while in the floatie. It's fun to watch him as he realizes he can move about all on his own without mom or grandma holding onto him. He wore himself out doing this and then proceeded to take a 2 hour nap from 4-6pm so of course we had to wear him out again this evening to get him tired enough for bed. Cooper is my pride and joy - my best reason for winning this fight. I love him so much. While relaxing at the pool my mom pointed out that this morning's mishap and the new procedure team/date gives me some time to breathe before the next procedure and treatment starting. Every week I've had something done which has brought more and different types of discomfort and that could be the pattern throughout the treatment as I discover which side effects I will experience. But between now and the 10th of July I won't be poked, yanked on, cut into, or injected. I can actually focus on healing more, on spending quality time with my family before things get even crazier. I was concerned that the earliest date I could get the port placement scheduled with the UCLA surgeon is just a couple days before chemo would start because I had read it should be placed 1-2 weeks ahead of time but the surgeon's assistant told me that was not true and that it could be placed and used for treatment as early as the same day. I will call the oncologist to verify that tomorrow but if that's indeed the case then I'm glad I didn't get it today, mishap or not. Next series of procedures now includes expander inflation on the 10th, port installation on the 13th, chemo starting on either 14th or 16th. It's a lot, so I'm glad to have this little break between now and then.