Friday, May 14, 2010
Surgery around the corner. Farewell fertility.
I'm excited and a little sad too. Excited to get this over with - the hysterectomy - and feel good knowing I'm preventing cancer of the ovaries/uterus/cervix by having said body parts removed and getting on with life. Sad that I'm saying a very final goodbye to my fertility and the possibility of ever giving Cooper a blood related sibling. Even if I wasn't having the surgery I would do everything in my power to avoid becoming pregnant again because of the fear that pregnancy hormones would ignite a deadly firestorm in my body. But it's still a really big deal to be saying goodbye to having the option of creating beautiful life. Don't get me wrong about this - I want this surgery. But one thing I've learned over the years, and especially through this cancer journey, is that a person can want and need something and still have grief about it too. Feelings must be felt and processed for healthy resolution. So, tonight, I'm looking at Cooper and experiencing a flood of emotions as I prepare to say goodbye to my reproductive organs next Tuesday. I'm so thankful to God for the timing of my pregnancy with Cooper. Had we not gotten pregnant and had Cooper when we did we would not have ever had him because of the cancer. Cooper is such an amazing and precious gift from God. I'm thankful that my body withstood the challenge that the pregnancy posed and that we were blessed with a healthy beautiful son in spite of the difficulty we had (incompetent cervix resulting from procedures years earlier to remove precancerous cells). God got us through it and gave us this amazing child. I sometimes worry that we've done Cooper a disservice by not giving him a brother or sister but I know in my heart that we're protecting him with this decision by taking steps that we believe will help keep his mom here on earth for the many important years to come. Tuesday morning I'll head down to UCLA for the surgery. I'm having a complete hysterectomy and also having one of my breast implants replaced (it's too large in light of the lymphedema swelling I have which is not likely to go away). The hysterectomy will be performed using the Davinci robot which is pretty cool since that makes it minimally invasive and greatly reduces the recovery time. In fact, the plan is for me to be back to work next month! I'll be spending the night in the hospital since it's still considered a major surgery. My mom is flying in to help out again. I am so blessed to have such an amazing mom. We can't wait for her to arrive tonight. Cooper will have so much fun with her during her visit. Thank you, mom! I love you! I appreciate your prayers and positive thoughts as we proceed with this next important step in this journey. We're praying for a successful surgery with no complications and with a quick and smooth recovery ahead. We're praying that Cooper won't struggle or be hurt when I'm unable to lift him in the couple of weeks after surgery. We're praying for clear/negative pathology results following the surgery. And we're praising God for the miracles He has performed for us already - every single day.