Wednesday, June 17, 2009

F*CKING CANCER: Pathology is in :(

The pathology report is in. My left breast tumor was 2.2 cm, clean margins. I had 14 (yes, FOURTEEN) cancerous lymph nodes - O.M.G! They had removed 18 in total. Clear boundaries there, but O.M.G! The largest lymph node tumor was 4.2 cm. No cancer in the right breast or right side lymph nodes. This makes me Stage IIIC. Holy shit! I'm freaking out. I'm so angry and so sad. I feel like I've totally failed myself and my family by not finding this sooner. I'm terrified. I'm going to fight it hard. But getting more bad news is not helping my psyche. CANCER - YOU F*CKING SUCK SO BAD AND I HATE YOU. DAMN YOU!

16 comments:

  1. Julie, I am so sorry for this bump in the road that you WILL cross. I have total faith in that. Now though, I am going to bring you back down to earth (which you are so good at). This is NOT your fault you didn't find this earlier. You would have never guessed. You do NOT have a crystal ball at your house hidden away in some closet (well, that I could tell at least). The only thing that is true is that you WILL fight this. You WILL beat it and you WILL win. I have no doubt in my mind! You ARE a wonderful person, who is tougher then a swiss steak left in the sun. I love you girly!

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  2. Dude, you are so INCREDIBLY LUCKY to have found this when you did! Can you imagine 4 or 5 or 15 years down the road when you get routine mammograms? You have one kick-ass guardian angel and I know someone's looking out for you up there! This technology is better than ever, and you are in the best hand's ever, GOD'S. It's not in your hands anymore, Julie.
    This is great news, that it was 14 and not 41. :)

    Besides, I don't know any battle won by 14 against 14,141,414! This cancer aint got shit on YOU!!

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  3. Reading your post made me teary eyed... until I got to the part about you blaming yourself. That's when I had to dry my eyes and write a comment. You need to know that it is NOT your fault that you didn't find it sooner. Pat yourself on the back for finding it as soon as you did. Hold tight to all the love and support you have to keep yourself strong! I'm praying for you and your fight against this evil thing.

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  4. Julie -

    I know this is so hard to hear but you are strong and will get through it. You have an excellent team of Drs. and they will put you on the best program there is. It is a blip in the road and with your strength, the support of your family and friends,you will get through it.

    I had a friend who was stage 4 cancer with 14 of 24 lymph nodes involved. She had chemo and also went through a John Hopkins trial to treat her cancer. She has been cancer free for over 10 years.

    I will try to give you a call in the next few days. In the meantime, rest and build up your physical strength. Remember - you have cancer, cancer does not have you!!!!

    Michele

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  5. Julie. I am so sorry to hear the latest results. But remember, it is always darkest before the light & I hope and pray that the light is SO BRIGHT you are blinded by it!!! Get some heavy duty sun glasses ready. Hang in there as tight as you can. You are not to blame. The medical field needs to make some big changes & start having annual mammogragms at 21. My prayers, thoughts and love are there for you. Jan (Diana's Mom)

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  6. Absolutely, positively, you have done so well by your family, Julie. Are you not the same woman who was on bed rest for upteen months so Cooper would have as much time as possible developing? Are you not the same woman who fought the insurance company to get the shots for Coop to prevent RSV? Are you not the same woman who feel in love and married the kindest man you know? Are you not the same woman who loves your husband, your son, and your whole family and would anything for them? Of course you are! That's 14--yes, 14!!!--crappy, cancerous nodes the heck right on out of your body and that's EXACTLY what we want! We want it OUT! I'm praying for you again tonight after reading your latest posting and I prayed for you earlier today, too. I'm not stopping; you can be assured of this, Julie. You are the Captain Warrior; I am one of your Prayer Warriors. One of the most challenging things in life is to let go and let God. This doesn't mean you loose your sparkle, drive, or determination--after all, He made you this way with a purpose! You put your health and emotional and spiritual well being in His Hands and release control over this situation to Him.

    Dear Lord, You alone know all of the emotions being experienced by Julie right now. Please hold her and comfort her. Renew her strength and help her to continue look to You and to search You out in need and in praise. It is not an "accident" that Julie has Bob, Cooper, and the entire family she has. Speak to her heart, Lord, and reassure her that she has in no way let her family down. From You, we know the greatest Love of all. Please cover Julie with Your healing hands and peace in all of this. We ask that in all of this, Your glory be seen. We ask this in Jesus' name, Amen.

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  7. Stop blaming yourself for ANYTHING that has to do with the cancer. You went out there and got it diagnosed. And look at how persistent you were to get it out so quickly! I don't know anyone who's gotten into surgery that quickly. You've done everything you can plus more. You have so many people cheering for you, praying for you, thinking about you.... You can do this! Nobody said it would be easy. Now slip those ass kicking boots back on your feet! Perhaps your warrior song should be "These Boots are Made for Walking"...we can always alter a few of the words...Now go get 'em lady! We're all behind you!!

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  8. No blaming yourself for this! Cancer likes to be all quiet and wreak havoc on your body with no outward signs of sickness. There is nothing you could have done. Remember, you did a self exam and felt nothing in your left breast. A 2.2cm tumor is so small... Keep fighting. I know you have it in you. Cancer might think twice before striking someone with your fight after you are done with it!!

    -Amanda

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  9. Hi Julie,

    YOU are bigger than this...GOD is bigger than this!

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  10. Honestly Julie, as a person who works in cancer research(yes, I keep mentioning that, but it relevant here...) you found it quite early. I found myself thinking of you today, even though we have never met and just how brave and positive you are. This is an incredibly crappy thing to happen and frankly, it sucks big time. But, I can see you leading one of those breast cancer survior walks in 5 years because you are going to win the fight.

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  11. Hey Julie, Do NOT blame yourself! I'm going to echo Anonymous above and say that you did a self-exam and found nothing in your left breast. And you got yourself into surgery so fast! And you're doing everything possible. You are going to beat this - you ARE in the process of beating this! I am praying for you, my dear!

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  12. Julie, Please do not blame yourself for cancer. There is no way you could have possibly detecteded it any sooner. Heck,you got it much sooner than a majority of people would have.
    I am keeping you and Kathie in my prayers. You are such strong and supportive women. I know you are going to get through this and come out better on the other side as amazing survivors. xo

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  13. Hey, Julie, it's Craig, your neighbor across the street and a few houses to the south. Dan and Cindy told me about your plight. I want you to know that we've got your back on this side of the street ... keeping a good thought and sending you healing vibes. I'm going to make you and your family some Matzoh ball soup on Saturday ... it's my Hungarian grandmother's recipe, handed down through generations, and I have it on good authority that it has the power to do miraculous things. I love the way you've been bitch-slapping cancer upside the head on your blog. It's clearly no match for you. Love to Roberto and Cooper.

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  14. Jules, I am so sorry to hear about this! Its not the best news, that's for sure, but if the margins are clear, that's a good sign. Keep fighting and know that we are all behind you!!!

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  15. Keep moving forward Julie. You can't change what it was but you are changing what it could be. You are the most fiesty, strong, fantastic women I know and like one of friends said -- all for a reason. You will win this battle.

    All kinds of praying going on. Love you.

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  16. Julie - I hope you see this long list of comments and feel reminded that you are bigger than this cancer. You are connected to a much greater source of health and energy and wholeness -- and no labels about where you are in this thing can change that. Allow those moments and feelings as you say, but then remember who you really are, down deep. You are loved!
    You and Kathie are in our every thought.
    Lila

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